Never Really Retired

Lynn sat next to someone she didn’t know well at a church women’s retreat, not expecting it to change her life. As they introduced themselves, the older woman explained that when her husband retired, they had gone to the mission field short term. “With your hospitality skills,” she told Lynn, “you could be really helpful in a missions capacity overseas.”

After the retreat, Lynn shared the idea with her husband, Frank. For years, they had dreamed about doing something missional in retirement. Maybe they would volunteer in the aftermath of natural disasters around the U.S. Frank worked as an IT manager for IBM and was good at basic home repair and construction. Lynn had stayed home with their three kids and then worked as a donations coordinator for a ministry that starts, or “plants,” new churches. She loves to cook and to host. They expected to still have a productive and interesting life after stepping away from their careers. As Frank puts it, “Even if you retire, you’re never really retired.”

The new thought from Lynn’s retreat conversation wasn’t the idea of ministry after retirement, but the idea of doing it internationally. “We are pretty family-oriented,” she explains, “and we have kids. And we had both recently lost our dads, so our moms were alone.” At age 59, Frank was thinking seriously about retirement but not quite ready to make the leap. He enjoyed his job and the security it brought. The idea of starting over someplace entirely new and foreign felt random and overwhelming. Perhaps even foolish.

Faith Becomes Sight

Frank’s mindset changed as he read a convicting parable. In Luke 12, a rich man outgrows his barns and builds bigger ones, confident he is well prepared for whatever the future might hold. In fact, his future ends that very night, and the Lord calls him a fool. Reading the story again, Frank realized, “I have enough in my barn. What’s the point of building a bigger one?”

The Distlers clinched the decision in an otherwise ordinary moment. While driving to Costco one day, Lynn realized several seemingly disconnected pieces of their lives intersected. Almost 20 years earlier, IBM had sent Frank to work in East Asia for five months. Lynn and the kids joined him, and they all loved it. Their church in Vermont supported a missionary couple, the Chois, working in that same East Asian country in a city two hours away from where the Distlers had lived. In the car, Lynn exclaimed, “Frank! We should move to East Asia for two years and help the Chois.” Just like that, they had a new retirement plan.

“You don’t know what you’re diving into until you dive into it.”
Frank

Getting to East Asia didn’t happen with quite the same rush of clarity as the initial idea. The Distlers emailed the Chois, who connected them with Pioneers. Frank and Lynn filled out an application and prepared for their first call with some trepidation. Lynn wanted assurance that the organization would accommodate their limited timeframe and commitment to caring for their moms. The first phone call allayed her concerns. I guess I really am going to retire, Frank realized as they hung up the phone.

The Distlers attended an orientation program and came home with a list of books to read and online Bible classes to pass. All through Frank’s final year at IBM, he and Lynn worked away at the list, listening to Bible lectures, comparing quiz scores, and writing papers for the first time in almost 40 years. “It was intimidating to start,” Lynn remembers, “But I really enjoyed it. We had good conversations and only needed a C.”

Part of the initial orientation program focused on fundraising, which the Distlers didn’t intend to do since they anticipated a stable retirement income. Lynn, in particular, didn’t want to ask people for money. She explains, “I didn’t want to rely on people. I had a pride thing. I don’t want to go out to dinner with somebody else’s money.” But they had to sit through the sessions, and as they listened, Frank felt a growing conviction. “They didn’t say it this way, but I interpreted it as, You’re kind of being selfish to not allow others to bless you and be part of the mission with you.”

The Distlers decided to send a letter to members of their home church and a sister church explaining their anticipated ministry and inviting people to contribute. They used the donated funds for ministry expenses like language classes and outreach needs, but they self-funded their living expenses. Once they received their final budget for East Asia, they appreciated the extra provision. Moving across the world cost a lot more than they anticipated. To help lower the initial outlay, Frank and Lynn cashed in airline miles for one-way flights, furnished their apartment inexpensively with used items, and bought bicycles instead of a car.

The Distlers could live on less in Asia than in the U.S., but after about a year, their ministry expenses outpaced their donations. They did the calculations on a Wednesday, realizing they would run out of funds in a few months. On Thursday, they received an email from a small church in the town where they both grew up. “We’re considering supporting you,” the email read, “Can we set up a call?” That little church shocked them by committing to $650 each month for the rest of their time in East Asia. Lynn sums it up well: “The Lord has been faithful.”

Goings and Comings

As they prepared for the move, the Distlers were concerned about being separated from their family but still committed fully. They told their kids, all in their late 20s and early 30s, “We’re not coming home in these two years. Not for weddings. Not for babies.” They felt that if they made one trip back, it would become impossible to manage everyone’s expectations for future events. “It was a noble goal,” Frank says, “but goals don’t always succeed.”

“We told our kids not to have a life while we were gone, but they didn’t listen very well.”
Frank

In fact, on the day of Frank and Lynn’s departure for East Asia, their son and daughter-in-law dropped them off at the airport and then went home and took a pregnancy test. The Distlers’ first grandchild wasn’t going to wait two years. Frank and Lynn flew back to the U.S. to meet him when he was three months old. Lynn visited again when their daughter had a baby the following year.

Automatically Awkward

The Distlers were experienced travelers before they boarded the plane for East Asia. In their words, “We like adventure.” And they moved to a familiar place. “I knew it would essentially be an easy place to live,” Lynn says. “It is such a safe country.” But moving to the other side of the globe is never easy. Looking back, she reflects, “I thought I knew what I was getting into. But living someplace for five months and living there for two years is night and day. Five months was like a long vacation. Now, we’re in the community.”

Frank and Lynn love being in community, so the idea of living in a language they couldn’t speak or even sound out phonetically felt intimidating. Ethan Choi, their team leader, set them up with an online language program when they arrived. They spent 3-4 hours in class each week with homework in between. Ethan expected them to work through two language books over the first year. Frank and Lynn finished one book in 18 months.

“We knew we were going to be here for two years,” Frank explains, “and we didn’t want to be in language school the whole time. But you want to learn a little bit so when you’re talking with someone, they can see you’re at least trying. We had to balance how much time for language and how much time for other missional activities.” Lynn regrets that they didn’t spend more time learning the language. Frank is surprised they did this much.

The Distlers’ lack of comfort in the local language made every part of life a struggle. As Frank put it, “If I want to read a sign, I have to use Google Translate. That’s kind of exciting for the first couple months. And then it becomes a burden.” The Distlers can’t have in-depth conversations with local people, which limits their friendship circle. Although their church offers English translation of the sermons, it’s hard to socialize afterward. And while they have joined some community activity groups, their only real friends are their English-speaking teammates. “Without language,” Frank explains, “you’re always in an awkward situation.” Despite that, their team has reassured them their efforts matter. “People at church and people we meet recognize we’re making an effort to learn. And that goes miles. You get points for trying.”

Here to Help

Some of the Distlers’ career and ministry experience carried over to their new arena, and in other ways, they started a fresh chapter. While no longer a tech manager, Frank has gained a reputation as “the spreadsheet king” and has been tapped to coordinate logistics for conferences and retreats. Lynn was heavily involved in hospitality ministry in the U.S., which she continues in Asia. The Chois want to mobilize new workers, and the Lord is blessing them with a lot of interested people. The Distlers rented a three-bedroom apartment specifically to host visiting prospective missionaries.

Frank and Lynn say they now use more of their church ministry skills than job skills. Every task they complete allows their teammates, who are much more proficient in the local language, to focus more of their time on evangelism and discipleship and less on spreadsheets and guestrooms. However, the country where they serve has an aging population, and in some contexts, Frank and Lynn can connect better with people in their 50s and 60s than their younger teammates.

Word of the Distlers’ availability isn’t just out in the missionary community. Their team partners closely with a local church. Frank essentially works as the church handyman several days a week and coordinated a major renovation project with a visiting construction team from the U.S. Lynn hosts women’s cooking classes as an outreach and Frank does the dishes. They are both often asked to share the gospel at outreach events because, as foreigners, they can speak more directly without offending people. Church members translate and modify their message as necessary for local culture.

“Word has gone out, Lynn and Frank can help.”
Lynn

The Chois also loan Frank and Lynn to another team in their city that helps missionaries get started. For two years, new arrivals focus on language and culture learning in preparation for church-planting ministry. Many of those new missionaries have children. Frank and Lynn serve as stand-in grandparents, running children’s programs during team meetings, encouraging tired parents, and being an extra set of engaged adults for the kids during the major transition. While the Distlers’ own grandchildren live far away, nearly a dozen kids run to greet Uncle Frank and Aunt Lynn at team meetings. And when seasonal typhoons threaten, as good team grandparents, Frank and Lynn make sure new families have everything they need to hunker down. “I didn’t expect to be this busy,” Lynn says. “It’s been wonderful. The two years have flown by.”

Here to Serve

Arriving with a two-year timeframe made some parts of cross-cultural life more manageable and less scary for Frank and Lynn. You can do a lot of things for two years that you might not want to do for the rest of your life. But the limited time made other aspects of the transition more challenging. Because they didn’t dive deeply into language and culture learning, the Distlers don’t truly feel at home. Two years is a long time to feel out of place.

Despite breaking their self-imposed “no trips home” rule, Frank and Lynn have missed family gatherings, weddings, funerals, and much of their grandchildren’s first years of life. Still, it’s much easier to keep in touch than when they lived in Asia nearly 20 years ago. The Distlers’ grandson recognizes them from video calls. They play cards online with their moms every week. In some ways, “The internet makes you feel like you’re home.”

In other ways, the Distlers’ missionary team functions as family. “They don’t have anybody either,” Lynn explains, so they celebrate birthdays and holidays together. “You don’t have your family back home, but you do have your family here,” though fellowship looks different from what they anticipated. Frank and Lynn love socializing and expected to host a full calendar of game nights and dinners. But when they arrived, everyone on their team had young children with early bedtimes. “Their days are done at 7 or 8 o’clock. It’s just Frank and me every single night. We play lots of games.”

Sometimes the team-as-family dynamics can be counterintuitive. Ethan Choi, the Distlers’ team leader, is young enough to be their son. “We could be parents to 90% of the missionaries here,” Lynn comments. “That can be difficult because it’s like you’re dealing with your children. You can scold your children, but these are peers.” As in so much of missionary life, humility is the key. “The Chois have lived here eight years. The pastor and his wife are local. I may not agree with them, but they know best because they know the culture. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s actually fun to watch a younger generation lead.”

Lynn’s perspective on the challenges and sacrifices of mission work has changed through this experience. “I’m taking home an appreciation for long-term missionaries I didn’t have when I first came,” she says. “We have several missionaries from our church around the world. This has really opened my mind up to the work they do, leaving their families, leaving everything, which to me is still mindboggling.”

Frank was surprised by the lack of visible fruit from their team’s ministry. They serve in a location where people are courteous and friendly, but resistant to the gospel. In two years, their church has welcomed a handful of visitors and celebrated one baptism. “It’s a huge struggle,” Lynn admits. “But to see the Chois here after eight years, keeping up the fight with no intention of leaving—it’s super encouraging. That’s been a blessing.”

New Goodbyes, New Opportunities

The two years of Frank and Lynn’s commitment in East Asia flew by, and now it’s time to transition again. They say the timing feels right, but leaving is still sad. Lynn feels guilty, even though she’s confident the team will be okay. “I keep telling myself we’re not the backbones here. I hope we’re making a difference. We’re told we’re making a difference.” Goodbyes to the children on the team will be especially hard. One little boy was 6 months old when the Distlers arrived. Frank and Lynn grandparented him, in many ways, as he learned to walk and talk. It’s unlikely he’ll remember them unless they maintain the same kind of video call consistency they did with their own grandkids, in reverse.

The Distlers themselves have also changed in important ways. Lynn says she is more in love with Frank now than at any point in their 41 years of marriage. “I have seen him in a different light, seeing him with the kids, seeing him outside of his secular job.” Frank says, “I’ve led a lot of things in my career, but my mindset wasn’t to come to Asia as a leader. I’m being a helpful person now. Yes, I have skills, but I’m not here to use those in the same capacity. Now, I’m encouraging younger leaders.”

“I would never regret doing this.”
Lynn

This experience has also opened natural conversations about Christianity and missions with the Distlers’ friends and family in the U.S. Their pastor started using them as an example of ministry faithfulness before they even left for Asia. Frank doesn’t consider himself the ultimate example of spirituality, but he’s happy to demonstrate to others, “If we can do it, anybody can do it.” They and their team hope others follow in their footsteps. Ethan tells Frank and Lynn regularly, “When you guys leave, you have to send someone back.”

If you feel God calling you to go somewhere or think, I’m at that time in my life where I could do something out of the box, Frank recommends you don’t wait too long. “You only have a limited amount of time. You have a limited amount of energy, too.” The Distlers already wonder, Who can go and take our place?